Earlier this week, as I was scrolling through Facebook, I saw an article from The Huffington Post entitled “The Day I Realized I Was No Longer The Woman My Husband Wanted.” In it, the author talks about how after years of marriage and discovering letters her 20-something self had written to her husband, she wasn’t the same woman he married.
Now, she’s juggling a business, two kids and a home in addition to being a wife. She writes:
“Being a woman today isn’t easy; there’s always going to be more to do than hours in the day. What I learned from this experience is the importance of prioritizing the things that matter most and having Dave at the bottom of that list wasn’t going to work.”
I can really relate to her story, because I was her a few months ago…and in some ways, I still am. My husband and I have been married a little over three years. A few months after we had our daughter, our marriage became strained. Long story short, he works long hours every day (literally), while I take care of our home and baby while also working from home. Because things didn’t happen the way I expected/wanted them to in regards to our roles, I became frustrated and almost resentful. And sometimes, I barely spoke to him and pretty much always had a negative attitude towards him. It even got to the point where he asked me if I still wanted to be with him.
What made me look at myself and become proactive in making our marriage better is realizing that I was tired of feeling the way I felt and realizing that I wanted my marriage to work. I mean, did I really want to lose my relationship, or contribute to us drifting apart, over something that could more than likely be resolved? Of course not! But, initially, a part of me wanted to stay mad. You know how it is: You feel justified in feeling how you feel (and hey, maybe you are), so you want to wallow in it. You want the other person to feel maybe just an inkling of how you feel. Obviously, you know that’s not productive and solves nothing, but you’re human…and that’s how you feel.
Ultimately, I had to swallow my pride (have I ever mentioned how proud and stubborn I can be?), and change myself instead of worrying about and trying to figure out how to change my husband. So, I read articles online (like those on BlackandMarriedWithKids.com), I prayed and asked God to help me change my attitude, I made a concerted effort to be positive and loving towards my husband — even when I didn’t want to. I made an effort to be nicer to him and actually laugh and joke around like we used to. Most importantly, I constantly reminded myself that if Jesus can love me and forgive me no matter how badly I mess up, then, even though I’m not Jesus, I can love and forgive my husband. I can do my best to live 1 Corinthians 13. If He can love me as I am and is patient with me as I grow, then I can at least try to do the same.
Though our marriage is not 100 percent where I’d like it to be, I’m happy to say that it’s getting better. I don’t think we’ll go back to the way we were, because our lives are different now, and we’re different, too, (which I think is totally fine), so we’ll have to find our new normal. It’s a journey, but one that’s definitely worth taking.
Reflections of She 